3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
