Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
