i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
