I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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