I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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