there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
