i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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