Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
