How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
