So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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