I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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