If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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