I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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