I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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