I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
