How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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