Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
