Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize