for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize