turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
