i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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