So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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