you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
