somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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