I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
