i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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