Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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