I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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