I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
