Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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