it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
