I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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