come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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