I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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