do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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