Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
