drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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