My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
