And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
