Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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