so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
