If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
