I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
