dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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