So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize