you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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