I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
