So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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