What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
