My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Someone came in the potted fern
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
