oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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