chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
