Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
