wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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