My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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