a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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