all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
