I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
