Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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