i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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