wanna go halves on a baby?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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