We're like a lot better than the average bears
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
