I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
