when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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